


The First Day, The Last Day

by attack_on_toast



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, kind of, lots of bad shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 21:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3091331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attack_on_toast/pseuds/attack_on_toast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>or What Happens when Oikawa Tooru Finally Breaks</p>
<p>I dizzily clutched the gross locker room toilet. My head was partially in the bowl - which was a good thing since I felt like I was going to throw up soon. My eyes were half closed and my head felt heavy. I rested my chin on the seat. From outside the locker room I could hear Iwaizumi yelling at me.<br/>“Hey, dumbass, practice is over.” He was trying to sound annoyed, but concern was leaking through. “If you’re too sick to walk home, I could call your mom or something.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The First Day, The Last Day

**Author's Note:**

> Guys guys guys i'm so sorry i have all the regrets
> 
> Also my first fic for this fandom and my first published fic of 2015 so that's cool
> 
> Have fun drowning in feels

I dizzily clutched the gross locker room toilet. My head was partially in the bowl - which was a good thing since I felt like I was going to throw up soon. My eyes were half closed and my head felt heavy. I rested my chin on the seat. From outside the locker room I could hear Iwaizumi yelling at me.

“Hey, dumbass, practice is over.” He was trying to sound annoyed, but concern was leaking through. “If you’re too sick to walk home, I could call your mom or something.”

No, he  couldn’t  call my mom. She would get in the way, and I needed to finish this. I rose from my position clutching the toilet, and grabbed the knife that lay abandoned beside me. I took it in my hand and made straight cut across my arm, reveling in the white hot pain I felt. That was for missing a serve. Another - a set that had gone all the way over Iwaizumi’s head. Another for not being strong enough to do this yesterday. And another because I didn’t deserve any of what was given to me. I started planning another cut, but before I could push the knife into my skin I heard a knock on the stall door.

“Let me in.” Iwaizumi’s voice was curt and sharp. And very angry. Why was he angry? As far as he knew, I had just eaten some bad squid.

“Oh, I’m fine!” I said, trying to summon up my usual energy. “Is Iwa chan worried about me?” I teased, hoping that I could convince him to leave so I could finish what I was going to do. 

“ I said open up, dumbass!”

“No you didn’t, you said ‘Let me in’!” I sang, trying to buy myself some time. Truthfully, I wanted nothing more than to let him in. But I couldn’t. I’d already messed up his life enough at this point, and I didn’t want to mess it up any more.

“Just - just let me in, dumbass.” He said, his voice breaking. My heart thudded, and I almost unlocked the door. Iwaizumi was breaking me, just like he always did. He was breaking my resolve, just like he did with everything else, but it wouldn’t work on me, not with this. This, I had to go through with. I looked around for my bag, but I couldn’t find it. Everything was in my bag - beyond my volleyball gear there were scissors, my journal, even the pills that I had gotten to finish it all. And my bag was in the gym. Open.

Suddenly everything made sense. Iwaizumi - he must’ve dug through my bag to find my phone. and he had seen - 

“Everything. I saw everything.” He moaned, his back sliding down the stall, and coming to a stop and the bottom. I could almost see him, his knees against his chest, his face in his hands.

I weighed the knife in my palm, figuring the best way to use it. I could just ram it into my chest, but I had no guarantee it would kill me quickly, and I wanted a quick, painless death. I was a coward to the very end.

“Oikawa…” I heard Iwaizumi choke out.

I’m doing this for you! I wanted to shout.  I’m doing this so you won’t have to deal with me anymore, so stop making it so fucking hard!

Iwa stifled a sob, and I froze. He never cried, not once, not a single time since I had met him in elementary school. I always thought that he was incapable of crying, or that he had replaced his crying mechanism with extra aggression, but here he was, on the verge of tears.

“Oikawa… Tooru… I’m…” He took a long, shaky breath. “Fuck, I’m so sorry.” He whispered, his voice still managing to echo off of the locker room tiles. “Im so, so sorry.”

And I was on the floor, my back pressed up against the stall door, staring at the vent on the ceiling, tears mixing with the blood that had somehow smeared on my face. The knife was still in my hand, sweet release so close, yet so far.

And Iwaizumi started to cry. To really cry.

It was ugly and loud and disgusting and beautiful and so, so, him.

My mind fought against my body, but I felt myself standing up, my fingers fumbling with the lock on on the stall. Half of my mind told me to bolt the door shut again and finish everything with what I had now, while the other half told me to make a mad dash for my bag and finish at home, but my body didn’t respond to either of those demands. I stood stock still as the door swung open. I was face to face with Iwaizumi.

He looked me up and down once, taking in the freshly made cuts on my arms, the blood that had gotten, well, everywhere, and the small knife still held in my white knuckled hand. Then, he stopped looking, and hugged me. His arms trapped my arms and his face pushed into my shoulder. He didn’t care about the blood getting on his uniform, or how I had just been fawning over a disgusting toilet seat.

“Don’t you ever fucking try that again.” He growled menacingly. Then his voice softened. “I don’t know what I would do without you, dumbass.” I could feel that he was still crying.

Every part of me revolted, told me I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t deserve him, I didn’t deserve this. My mind said that I should just finish what I started for once in my life. But Iwaizumi Hajime thought I did deserve it, and for today, that was good enough for me.

**Author's Note:**

> Idk man this is what happens when I’m sad and get hit by gross iwaoi feels
> 
> What can I say I love making my babies suffer
> 
> Come cry with me about iwaoi (or like, any ship in this damn anime... i swear i ship them all to some degree) at geronimarco.tumblr.com


End file.
